September 11, 2008 maydarling

*Warning, this post could be triggering.

Such a charged word.

I was made aware of something that someone had been “aware” of for quite sometime.

Aware…shortened form of be aware…or, beware.

Should I beware of the awareness?

But enough vagueness.

Back on OT stuff.

So, I tried to hold out against the hunger. But it didn’t happen. I’ve been so friggin’ tired lately and when I’m not sleeping enough, I get hungrier. I got in early to work this morning and danged if I wasn’t able to get my morning coffee. Coffee gets me through. No caffeinated goodness for me today, though. So I was ravenous.

I found myself begging my co-worker for crackers and cheese to tide me over. But I ameliorated the effect of that by passing them out to other people. But then I turned around and ate two cookies, a cup and a half of Coke (classic, my stomach is in such disarray that I literally cannot tolerate the fakey sugar), and 1/4 of a garden salad w/ grilled chicken.

This was after having chicken pot pie for dinner at my desk last night.

I feel as if I should have more willpower than this (that’s what my eating disordered brain keeps telling me), but my stomach is saying, “no, dammit, EAT! I am here to digest and take in nutrition, don’t starve me you stupid bitch!”. And now my head is joining the feed me chorus with a slight headache with concomitant woozy. I just *love* the woozy.

Maybe it’s an emotional thing, but food doesn’t hold the same pleasure that it used to. Therefore I can’t get excited about it. All I want to do right now is take a nap. Naps are verboten at work.

Also a good word: verboten.

Also. Found a cheap trip to London with Syl for the end of the month. 🙂 Happy.


Entry Filed under: body issues, Uncategorized

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